


Spares

by Hikary



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Yagami Sayu, Canonical Character Death, Coping, Dysfunctional Family, F/F, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, M/M, Post-Movie: Light Up the NEW World, Team as Family, implied Matt/Mello, implied past Mishima Tsukuru | Nakagami Ryou/Ryuzaki | Arai Masayuki - Freeform, technically movieverse but my feels for Light are always multiplatform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27576577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikary/pseuds/Hikary
Summary: Spare/spɛː/ n. |an item kept in caseanother item of the same type  is lost, broken, or worn out.In spite of all the horrors and deaths surrounding her, Yagami Sayu doesn't 's seem capable of breaking. Be it burying her brother, her father or even receiving a letter from the late Matsuda Touta, there is just something about her that reminds of Light's determination, but also an enduring kindness the first Kira didn't have.Because, in the end, Yagami Soichiro's true legacy has always been Sayu.orSayu goes to Winchester and meets the Wammy's.[Obviously, massive spoiler for Death Note: Light Up the NEW World]
Relationships: Yagami Sayu & J (Death Note: New Generation), Yagami Sayu & Mishima Tsukuru | Nakagami Ryou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Spares

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote half of it three billion years ago so hopefully it holds up overall. Idek.
> 
> I can never find the words to explain how much I love the New Generation. I would give anything to see Mishima as L, working with J and Near and everyone else.
> 
>  **Reminders from the movieverse:  
> **  
>  ‘Near’ is Near’s real name, so I swapped all the fake/real names to match them (see end of the work for more details).  
> After Ryuzaki’s death, Ryou is techically the new L (it makes me laugh and cry than his real name matches the letter).  
> Matsuda dies in the 4th movie and we all die with him with every rewatch.  
> Soichiro survives Light, but it’s said he died before the 4th movie while still working on the Kira care (and he trained Ryou).  
> Maki is part of the family, sorry but this is canon and you cannot fight it XD 
> 
> Not a big fan of movie!verse Light (he’s too mean for my personal taste), so I kinda always write Light more like the original one.
> 
> Sayu is my bisexual queen. You’re welcome.

**Spare** _/sp_ _ɛː_ _/_ n. _|_ _an item kept in case_

_another item of the same type is lost, broken, or worn out._

There was something mystical in taking her first, hesitant steps inside the perimeter of the old Victorian building, in spite of all the years and the remarkable human losses that had, to some extent, contributed to the end of the myth of the Wammy's Children. Sayu had walked from the front gate all the way to the main entrance: it had been her special request, a few minutes to adjust herself and wrap her mind around the idea of being here. The young woman she had traveled with did not mind at all. In fact, she didn't seem to mind much overall. She had been a nice companion during the flight, too. (N, the guy running the business these days, had refused to let her travel alone, 'for old times' sake'. There was something mechanical in his tone, especially when he had pronounced those words, as if he had know the literal meaning, but he had never used them in conversation or had no idea how you were supposed to feel thinking about 'old times'. Sayu could relate, and, more than that, she had no fight left in her. She had agreed to everything.)

\- I expect most of them to be working on a case. - Maki, her chaperone, gently pulled her back to the present. - They're no good when they have free time. Useless bunch of nerds. - 

Sayu thought there couldn't possibly be a warmer smile, or a more affectionate tone. Maki had not said much about herself - why she wasn't using a pseudonym, for example, or why she didn't live in Winchester. She was a scientist, apparently, working in Thailand. And yet, she talked about that weird bunch as if they were her family. 

\- I am sorry you had to come all the way to Japan and then here. It didn't seem like a question, when Mr River offered it. -

\- No big deal. - Maki dismissed her with a little wave of her hand - I haven't seen my creepy little brother in ages. _Mr River,_ as he goes by. So pretentious. I _love_ their made-up names. They're literally the worst fit ever. I suppose it works. The further from the real ones, the better, isn't it? -

\- Well. - Sayu, now standing in front of the door, took a deep breath - Someone really bad at spelling would be just as good, wouldn't they? It's more about luck than anything else. -

She bit her bottom lip. She had not come here to play the part of a depressing, self-loathing little sister of a murderer. She hadn't crossed the ocean to indulge in self-pity - she had plenty of that at home. It was, if nothing, the opposite: it was all about erasing herself from Kira's narrative and finally start her own story. Sayu was smart. Sayu was competent. Sayu had studied, and trained, and lived with her father until his dying breath. She was here - and N _wanted_ her here - because she was a valuable asset. 

That's why she immediately regretted that bleak remark. Maki, once again, didn't mind.

\- I guess - she knocked twice - I am just used to take luck out of the picture. It’s a scientist thing – she looked thoughtful for a moment – or a Wammy thing. I can’t tell anymore. -

Neither of them had time to continue the conversation, because the door slammed open and a lovely pair of light blue eyes became the first official welcome inside Wammy's House, for Sayu.

\- Maki! - 

They belonged to someone looking far too normal to be _one of them_ : a woman more or less Sayu's age, bright smile and an healthy complexion, who seemed very comfortable in her own skin.

Sayu had never met L, but she did remember her father talking about his odd vibes, impossible posture, and those eye-bangs that made _him_ feeling tired. She also remembered thinking he was weird enough to get well with her brother - Light could not stand anything less than unique, be it a person or an occupation. Someone normal, a friend from school, a pal to play video games or secretly surf porn websites with or whatever normal male teenagers used to do 10 years ago, had never been an option. No, it had to be the world greatest detective handing him a murder case and have Light killed in the process.

 _Little she knew,_ back then.

\- J, this is Sayu. Sayu, this is J- - Maki looked suddenly confused – Uhm, I might have forgotten the other name. Wait, do you even have one? -

\- _Konnichiwa._ \- J said, in perfect Japanese, ignoring Maki and focusing on smiling at Sayu.

\- English will do. My pleasure, _J_. That- that will do, too. - Sayu gave her a little nod, aiming for a bow but stopping halfway though the movement.

\- Great! Come in, N is doing something that requires yelling at Mihael, so I can't tell whether it is work or pleasure. -

Sayu followed J into the room, Maki closed behind. 

\- So - J seemed chatty, in a bubbly, more upfront way than Maki; Maki politely joined in Sayu's comments, J was eager to get on with the conversation - What is it going to be? Sayu? -

She stopped, and turned to face the other women.

\- _Sayu-chan?_ Is that too informal? - she asked, politely. 

\- As I said, I prefer English these days. -

J nodded, as if she did understand, although Sayu wondered _how_. How could this person know anything about learning your brother was the greatest mass murderer in the history of humanity? That you father had carried that secret to the grave, completely alone in his pain for years and years? That if it wouldn't kill your mother, you would gladly not only forget your native language, the language _Light had taught you when you were a kid, the same he used to kill_ ; you would renounce your name and take a letter instead, hide behind a screen, devote your life to catch criminals and hope to see you father again in the afterlife. Was it how Wammy’s kids came to be? Did they just want to disappear, too?

\- N- I mean, Ned..? - she glanced at Maki, quirking an eyebrow.

\- _Nate._ -

\- What she said. _Nate_ would like you to start immediately. Meaning, uhm, now? He will give you a proper debriefing later, to introduce the other people working here and all that. I will make some room for you, you can join us on the Patagonia lead. If everything matches, we fly out in 48 hours. You can pack a bag, or buy clothes when we arrive, or walk around naked, for all Nate cares. You can probably wear my clothes, they should fit. -

She was talking faster now, gesturing to accompany her words, and Sayu, who had grown so lonely and quiet over the past few years, was expecting to feel overwhelmed any moment now. She didn't. There was something familiar about that girl, a warmth, of the most genuine kind. Her rambling drew Sayu in, making her desire to be close, to touch, to form a connection. She barely noticed Maki slowing down, until she lost them at the end of the corridor, and she completely missed the woman's knowing smile.

\- We are working in the living room at the moment. It's warm and cosy. There's a fireplace, but don't worry, we have _real heating_. That's just for show, and to roast marshmallows. -

\- Sounds...great? I guess. And, uhm, who's 'we' ? -

\- Mihael work only with Mail, and Nate is playing cops with the Americans. Or dating one of them. Not sure, not interested. Linda has been overseas with him for ages. So, that leaves me... - J opened another door, allowing Sayu in - and _I hope those you're eating are not my marshmallow, young man_. -

Sayu chuckled - brotherly banters made her at ease - and peaked at her new working buddy, eager and unexpectedly excited to meet them.

A thud, a spluttering sound, the clang of a chair being knocked over. Sayu locked eye with someone who was not supposed to be there; in fact, he was not supposed to be _anywhere_ on this Earth.

\- What about a little warning, J? - he mumbled. - 'Thought she was coming tonight. -

J blinked. 

\- Flight was early. -

\- That's not- -

\- N bought the company or something. -

\- ...that's more like it. -

Sayu felt like all the blood in her body had suddenly frozen. 

\- I take N didn’t mention this over the phone, Sayu...? - J tried.

\- For fuck's sake. – the man cursed.

\- Your French is getting better and better. -

\- 'Cause she cares so much about language right now, doesn't she? -

\- Well, then, _I_ will give you an update on the Kira investigation. Now. -

Before J could add anything to it, everything inside Sayu's brain exploded, or so it felt like.

She knew that man, like he was the last person in the world she could actually say was _someone_ to her. She had seen him frown in concentration in front of a massive board on her father's office, and widen his eyes in wonder when Soichiro Yagami had allowed himself to compliment on his work, once in a blue moon. She remembered his kind voice, and the first, genuine smile he had cracked while she was telling him how her mum had started making jokes about the 'handsome young agent your father is working with'. It hadn't been just the two of them. There was the woman, too, the bad-ass one she might have harbored a little crush on, and they were sitting outside the Police Department, waiting for Chief Yagami. Sayu knew what she was doing, although the man was her age and had nothing in common with Light; and nevertheless, she couldn't help but enjoying the feeling of having an annoyingly smart big brother back in her life. Making lunch for the whole team, every now and then. Using Matsuda's familiar face as an ulterior motive to forget how long it had been, since Light was taken from them.

Only now she realised they had known, always known, about Light. It didn't matter, though. Nothing mattered in that moment, not even the fact that Detective Mishima, the good one, the nice one, had been found guilty of being Kira and therefore put to death. There was a little hiccup in her reasoning, and she found it impossible to connect this man here with Kira; because if he was really here, if he was really alive, then he couldn't have possibly been the same Detective Mishima who had died. And killed so many people. 

She threw herself at him without having made peace with her own emotions. But she had crossed the ocean, and some land, too, she had walked past thousands of strangers to get here, and she would have never _ever_ forsaken her only chance to hold on to a familiar face. He caught her, and hugged her tight.

\- Sayu. - it was all he said, his British accent so strong and secure wrapped around her name. 

Sayu sniffed against the wool of his jumper.

\- Sorry, I mean. I'm so sorry. I haven't really spoken Japanese in- -

\- No, no. - she shook her head, or tried too, as they were still pressed together - I would rather speak in English from now on. -

\- I understand. -

 _Oh_ , she found herself thinking. _Of course he does. And so does J._ Sayu disentangled from the hug and wiped her eyes, still feeling way more comfortable than any other day she had spent back home in the past couple of years.

\- I feel like we should introduce ourselves again. - 

'Detective Mishima', she almost said, but she managed not to.

\- I'm Ryou. - 

\- I like that. -

* * *

Explanations - or 'debriefing', as J had called it - were long overdue.

Instead, Sayu sat on the big oak table with Ryou (real name) and J (not so much of a name), talking Patagonia and secret bungalows and trained penguins. Whether they were joking about the penguins to test her, she didn't care. Penguins were way more real that Shinigamis anyway.

She had to wait for dinner to finally meet N, and nothing about that moment matched her expectations. He was a short and yet somehow imposing young man, with dark thick hair, suspicious eyes, and an aura of seriousness that disappeared the moment he was reunited with Maki. She fussed him over, made jokes and laughed for both of them, and had some sort of obsession with throwing sugar at him. (Sayu took a mental note that British people considered tea with buttered bread 'dinner'.) He spoke to Sayu for about two seconds, then gave Ryou a meaningful look. 

\- Sayu. Would you like to talk a walk? -

She looked up from her _‘_ dinner’, and cracked a little smile.

\- Briefing time? -

\- Better late than never. -

He had his hands in his pockets and he appeared all the way through relaxed. If Sayu knew a thing or two about faking it, he might have as well felt like a dying man walking toward his death.

She followed him to the garden - one of the many, just as well as the dining room, the living room, or any other room she had seen that day. They had occupied a small portion of the villa, making it their home. The rest was more of a facility mixed with a professional-looking headquarter, where - she supposed - roasting marshmallows was not allowed.

\- You're taking this situation incredibly well, Sayu. -

\- Hard to complain about a punch when you have just been shot, isn't it? - she sighed. - About two years ago, I received a letter. Did you know? From Matsuda. It wasn't addressed to my family, or my mother. It was especially for me. Did you know, Ryou? -

Something in his eyes told her this was going to be more difficult than they have anticipated. 

\- I didn't. N just said you were coming to join us, and you have been working with young offenders for a while now. I admit I just... -

\- What? -

\- I just thought, knowing Nate, that he was keeping tabs on you anyway. And when he heard you were not happy with your current line of work anymore, which is not surprising, he dropped the bomb about your brother. I am sorry about _that_ , too, by the way. I kinda wish you had never found out. -

\- Why? -

\- Why? For one thing, you father- -

\- No, I mean. You said 'which is not surprising'. Why is that? -

\- Oh. That. - he breathed in - Because it's a circle. A vicious one, that swallows you in. You want to _prevent_ , to rehabilitate them when they're young. You think that's nipping it in the bud. Only, after a while, you start thinking about preventing _that_ , you think about what made those kids so troubled in the first place. And that's when you go back to the criminals - murderers who killed their families, molesters, traffickers...name it. After a while catching those, you will want to go _further back_ , to the young ones again. It might feel like you're digging and digging and digging, but in reality, you're walking in circles. -

\- Is that what happened to you? -

\- Me? Nah. I just overestimated myself. -

\- Ryou? -

\- Yes. I don't think I want to talk about it. About you and Kira, I mean. Is there...is there a report I can read? Would that be okay? -

Much to his credit, Ryou barely blinked.

\- Of course. I will make arrangements for that. Now, would you tell me about the letter? -

\- Only if you tell me _that_ wasn't the real dinner. -

And on that note, they shared their first laugh in English.

* * *

In the end, she didn’t.

She stared at the paper and felt both trapped and unworthy of it at the same time. She cried, she punched her pillow, then washed her face and went downstairs for tea.

Ryuo never asked again.

It took Sayu less then a week to stop counting the days. She had a reminder to call her mother, but she lost track of weekdays, and, after a while, even months. England made it especially easy, with its long, chilly spring that covered the majority of the year. When they travelled abroad, their destination were so exotic they did nothing to help her identify the current season.

One could have said she was lost, but this kind of lost felt entirely different from the void her life used to be back in Japan (she could barely call it ‘home’ now, only on the phone with her mother). ‘Lost’ were her sense of time, or fatigue and hunger, ‘lost’ was any resemblence of having a mother tongue, ‘lost’ was, sometimes, her name, the person she was supposed to be on paper. A young woman from Japan, a psychiatrist with a solid experience, the daughter of a Police detective. And all the expectations that came with those definitions were slowly fading away, leaving nothing but _Sayu_ , _no suffix,_ and the people she chose to share her new life with.

* * *

**[7 months later]**

* * *

Sayu learns the way caught wild animals do, or so it feels like to her. She gravitates towards kindness, out of instinct, and is extremely weary of sudden movements.

This is why she is cautious around Mello, at first. Mello is lound, almost _gross_ sometimes, but with nothing of J’s warmth. Sometimes, Sayu thinks the house would be perfectly ctily silent for hours if it hasn’t been for Mello and his outrageous music or his unrepenting quote-along rewatches of _Mean Girls_.

They all reach a certain stage where speaking becomes simultaneously too hard and unnecessary for the work. It’s almost sweet, the way they function in synchro.

Linda gets lost in a drawning, _really lost_ , like stuck in a specific detail. She wrinkles her forehead and looks unhappy the whole time, branding her eraser like a weapon. Most times, she ends up having to throw the page away because there’s a hole in it. _‘Linda doesn’t like mistakes’_ , J explains to her, once. Which doesn’t track, because Sayu has never met anyone as forgiving, as motherly as Linda, so J corrects herself. _‘She doesn’t like her own mistakes. She’s fine with ours.’_

You won’t believe someone as quiet as Matt could _get quiet_ , and yet. When Mett shuts down, Sayu shivers. It’s like the air in the room gets suddenly sucked out and she knows Matt has probably dropped his joypad and he has picked up a random, useless task – like cleaning a single mug or rearranging the cookies in a cupboard. He could do that for an impressive amount of time. The more complex the task, the better. And this is how Sayu learns being quiet has nothing to do with speaking: you can be silent, and still have a raging war in your head. Matt needs stains to scrub and fragile ceramic in his hands to focus on something different from his own thoughts.

Sayu is fairly sure Near does talk, probably even a lot, just not to her personally. He is polite and professional most of the time, never shying away from his duty as leader of the house, but he gives you nothing genuine to work with. Then again, she has witnessed entire _days_ (plural) when Near barely utters a few numbers to answer unavoidable questions – like Mello asking how many cookies he wants – or making high-pitched disappoited sounds at his computer screen, because Near has such high standards in, well, _everything,_ that he can act like a disapponted parent even with objects.

Maki would be Sayu’s saving grace most days, but she likes to travel, to save the world from multiple locations, so that coming home always feels like something special. (Sayu has not become sentimental like that. Those were Maki’s words.)

J lives by a simple desire to show love and support to her family, and Sayu suspects that Linda would wrap her up in an invisibility cloak and keep her safe from the world as the only emotionally competent person in the family, if she could.

But J has Ryou, now. And this is something so obvious, so definitive about them, that when Sayu hasn’t spoken out loud for many hours, and her togue feels heavy and her thoughts are foggy, she almost _forgets_.

She forgets Ryou is not J’s actual brother (not Sayu’s brother), she forgets he is not _actually_ L (forgets Light is Kira, will always be Kira), or at least not the original one. She doesn’t hate the fact she forgets so often, she hates that, in the end, she still remembers. She hates herself and that sharp, undying hint of bitterness when she looks at the two of them and wonders _how could they forget so well?_

But that only happens during long, silent bleak afternoons.

Therefore, Sayu has come to love Mello. Not because Mello has been spared from their moments of weakness, but because Mello is the only one who chooses to deal with his emotion _on the outside_. And so, Sayu can track down terrorists while simultaneously humming to _Toxic_ by Britney Spears, and, once again, find herself thinking _this is my life, now_.

* * *

\- Have you ever talked to anyone about Light? -

\- What do you mean? – Sayu turns her head to face Ryou, her eyebrows quirked – _Everybody_ knows. –

\- Not what I meant – Ryou says, kindly, but firm – I mean, have you ever talked _with someone?_ –

Sayu shakes her head.

\- No, never. –

\- If you ever need to. Well. I could, perhaps, listen. Or try to. –

\- Are you asking for my sake or because any chances to punish yourself makes accepting the moments of happiness easier? –

It’s blunt and British, Sayu ponders. It’s the kind of question her polite past self would never ask an acquaintance. She can’t tell, though, whether she’s losing herself or has found a new family. Not yet.

Ryou chuckles. It’s typical of him to smile at everything painful and wrong in the world and Sayu can relate so much that, sometimes, she has no doubt she did have found a new family, indeed.

\- Something like that. Still, I thought I’d offer. -

\- Somebody told me once I could be him, you know? Light, obviously, not- Just Light. –

\- Somebody? –

\- Matsuda. – Sayu hesitates. – In the letter. Do you remember the letter? –

\- I do. But I’ll be honest, I thought it had more to do with Kira. –

The way he says it, like Light and Kira are two separate topics and that is just a fact, makes Satyu’s heart clench in her chest. And she loves him for it. She loves him so much, in fact, that she she takes his hand and pulls him with her.

\- Let me show you the letter. –

They walk back to Sayu’s room holding hands like kids, like Ryou often does with J. Sayu has secretly been craving something like that, having a real brother or sister again, but they always make their hand-holding look so precious, so special, something _theirs_ no one else can have.

But now, Sayu thinks she has been looking at precious things the wrong way. It doesn’t make it less special to share them.

Sayu, too, is precious.

* * *

Sayu found little use for that letter after showing it to Ryo. The letter had found its rightful place in the bottom drawer of Sayu’s nightstand, under a spare charger and a pair of cheap blue headphones from British Airways she got from her first flight from Tokyo to Heathrow – they were half-broken, and if life has taught her anything is that every object with a little life still left in them deserved another shot. That something half-broken, someday, could be your last and only chance. It could even become beautiful again.

_Dear Sayu,_

_If it ever comes a day when you will read this letter, it means that so much will have been lost. So many lives, including mine, ended before their time, and so much pain will have been cause to those who remain._

_There is a file attached to this letter: it will answer all of your questions, even the ones you never thought of asking. Perhaps, those more than anything. Read it well before continuining this letter, but don’t share it with your mother. All will be clear when you’ll know, too._

_I want to apologise for leaving you last, but I believe it could not have been otherwise. We have watched you grow and become the young woman we always knew you were destined to be. We watched you become your father’s daughter, more and more with each day. There’s nothing you can’t do._

_There will be a call._

_There is always going to be a call, with those poeple, and you should not be afraid to answer. They’ll ask you to go somewhere or they’ll show up at your door without a warning, but trust them. In time, they will see you for who you truly are, they will see just how much of your father there is in you. However big or difficult their request will be, never doubt yourself: you are strong and capable and you have survived what no human being should be put through._

_Of all the things, good and bad, that happened before, please remember this: it was never for nothing. Every second your father spent chasing a criminal, every second your brother lived as Light Yagami and not Kira, it will all matter in the end, and will not be forgotten._

_I hope someday, somehwere, there will be another L and a Yagami working side by side again, making the world a little bit better. I wish I could see it, and who knows, perhaps I will, even from where I’m going._

_All my love,_

_Matsuda Touta_

* * *

In the dim light of the fireplace, Sayu can make out just enough of his siblings’ faces to tell whether they’re smiling.

 _“It’s not good to play Poker”,_ Mello has complained, once. “ _You can’t see what people are planning.”_

 _“Or perhaps, it’s perfect. You can only judge a player by their actions.”_ Linda has teased him, of course.

Sayu hates both anyway – Poker and judging people – so the light is just perfect, the room is warm, and the flames dancing in the backgorund make for a hell of a wholesome Instagram post.

J is already asleep, but she would probably say something like _“hashtag blessed”_ , if she had any awaken brain cells. She’s sprawled across one of the big sofas, a cheek pressed to the armrest, both her arms swinging freely from each side of the sofa. Her lower body takes up significantly less space, as if she was originally trying to curl up on herself when conscious, but know she’s expanding. She’s close to be half-sitting on Ryou’s lap at this point.

The man’s expression, as he strokes her back gently, is unbearably fond. And when he turns to look at Sayu, sitting on her favourite oversize armchair, that expression doesn’t even falter.

He’s about to say something, when his phone buzzes and J groans. Ryuo sighs and checks the incoming message.

\- More work. -

\- Who’s waking J up? –

\- Phewww. – Ryuo feigns a scared reaction – Certainly not me. –

\- The great L, scared of his sister. Poetic. –

\- Shut up, Yagami. –

\- I love you, too. –

**Author's Note:**

>  **Extra notes about the movieverse:**  
>  I know the name swap doesn’t make sense 100% of the time, especially since in Light Up the New World and in Next Generation they actually use ‘Near’ and ‘Mello’ over the phone, which is technically really unsafe. However, the history behind Near’s name is quite important in the movieverse, and there’s litreally a whole episode of Next Generation dedicated to explain what you ‘real name’ is, in case you had more than one during your life..


End file.
